Marcus Vs. Franzen
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Franzen versus Marcus
Oh, hi Ben. Hi John. Welcome to our party. I'm glad to see you came together. I heard you guys weren't getting along.
Oh, you're still not? That's cool, I guess. Let me take your coats.
No, we didn't send out invitations, so none required.
And you'd prefer to be called Jonathan. Sure, sorry.
Well, I'm glad you came--you're both a little late. Right now the theme is still Postmodernism but over in the corner there are a few people starting to play Earnestness. Whoa, hey, Ben, don't get so excited. Okay, Postmodernism in that room, though everyone's a little wasted, so be careful.
No, Ben, I don't want my Wernicke's area fluffed. But maybe someone at the party does. Go look around.
--AND--
So, whatsamatter John...I mean, Jonathan? Don't you feel like partying? You look a little depressed.
Hollywood? X-Boxes? Rappers? Well, the directors and rappers are all hanging out together in the VIP lounge. It's sort of hard to get in there, but then again the drinks are really expensive. If you stand outside the door and complain a lot I'm sure they'll eventually let you in.
You don't care about them anyway, huh?
Yeah, I don't know. I suppose they are kind of assholes. You feel like dancing?
Yeah, they dance in there. They do the hustle, mostly, because, you know, their dances are choreographed, and it takes them forever to choreograph a new dance.
No, they just sort of do the hustle a lot. Sometimes they do the Charleston.
I'm sure you can, Jonathan. Hey, you want some chips? Or, hey--I think I see some readers over there that wanna dance with you. What do you think, you wanna dance?
Well, I haven't talked to them, so I can't say whether they're "relevant" or not. Listen, I'm going to go over there for a while, okay?
--LATER--
What's that, Ben?
Okay, I'll go talk to him. Hey, listen, Ben, you may want to lay off the ether, huh?
Well, if you're having fun. Just don't hurt anyone, all right?
Ben! Be careful with that! It's an antique!
--AND--
Jonathan, we need to talk.
Jonathan, come out of the bathroom and talk to me.
That's better. Listen, you know you can't just kick people out of the party.
I don't care if you think Ben is totally embarrassing you. Look at him. He's having fun. The people around him are having fun. So what's the problem?
Oh, come on...
Well, if you want to fight, you can fight. We do have a gym. But...
Well, it gets kind of nasty because most people don't really, you know, and I'm not necessarily saying this about you, Jonathan, but most people who come to the party these days...don't exactly know how to fight.
I'm not saying you. I'm not saying that. It's just, seeing a couple of little guys pound on each other is sort of depressing. It really clears the party out, you know?
Well, that's different. Alexander Pope and Jonathan Swift were real bruisers. They were formal about it, you know? They studied under Juvenal, practically. It was fun to watch them fight.
But not you, no.
Jonathan, come on. You're a good dancer, really. Why don't you go dance?
Well, if you want everyone to do the Charleston you're going to have to ask them to do the Charleston.
Well, I don't think they're all irrelevant.
Okay. If you feel like it, you know where the dance floor is.
--LATER--
Having fun, Jonathan?
Why not?
Well, I'll admit that the dance floor is a little crowded, sure.
That's not the way the dance riser works, Jonathan. We can't just let you use it exclusively.
The rule is, if people start clapping for you, then you jump up on the dance riser and do a little dance, that's all. If they boo, you get off.
Well, okay, the drunk guy on the riser with the hula skirt and the lampshade on his head is pretty corny, I'll admit it. Who is that, Damien Hirst? JT Leroy? Tom Clancy? I can't see from here, but look, people are having a blast.
No, we're not going to build a dance riser just for you.
Why don't you go dance near the dance riser and see if people clap for you? They recognize you, so they're sure to start clapping.
Maybe they are a bunch of brainwashed cows, Jonathan. Maybe. But those are the rules.
Okay, just mope outside of the VIP room, then. Whatever.
--AND--
Hey, Ben. Still having fun?
What's that you're working on?
That's okay, it doesn't have to be finished.
Let's see here, "Rules for the Party." Oh Ben.
Okay, I'll read it. But really...
Okay, fine. "First rule: the party must be fun." Okay. I'll agree with that. Let's see, here. "Second rule: Jonathan Franzen is a big fucking pill." Ben, now...
Fine. Stop crying. Here, have a tissue. Okay. "Third rule: Jonathan Franzen totally sucks and should be kicked out of the party FOR LIFE and he should NEVER COME BACK because he's a JERK!" Ben, do you want me to go talk to Jonathan?
Okay, I'll go do that. Hey, look. I think the dance riser might be opening up again. You want to dance, Ben?
Okay, go.
--SO--
Jonathan, have you been picking on Ben again?
Fine, it's within your rights to yell in the middle of the dance floor whatever you want, or to start slam dancing, or whatever. You can even push people off the dance riser, if you want, as long as people don't start booing you. But look, since you pushed Ben off the riser, everyone's starting to leave the party.
Fine. I know the rules, too. And I know they're not booing, Jonathan. They're not even bothering to boo. See them leave?
Fine, sure, yeah. It's all yours. Go ahead and dance on the fucking thing.
I hate to say this, but you're making our party totally uncool. You're turning it into a party for adolescent nerds.
Huh, what's that? Here, get down off the riser and talk to me.
Say again?
Okay. "Serious social engagement" is work talk. It's what we do when we vote and write our congressmen and feed ourselves or learn about the world. This is a party, Jonathan, where we come to talk about work or just blow off steam. What you're doing is not "serious social engagement." What you're doing is called "ruining the party." What you're doing is called "pushing people and then hiding in the bathroom." For about two hundred years novelists have been coming into our party and acting this way and calling people irrelevant and stuff. And then you invite journalists in. It's boring. People keep leaving the party.
Yeah, I know that the poets keep inviting academics in. The devour all the coctail weenies and never drink. But we have to work on one problem at a time.
No, let me tell you something. James Joyce did not ruin the party. He was a good dancer--he just danced in the corner of the room and people watched. He got to use the dance riser maybe a couple of times and it was great. That's all he wanted. Upton Sinclair was the one who started chasing people around and pushing them. And he couldn't dance at all.
Yeah, I know it's not all your fault. I've been talking to Tom Wolfe, too.
No, you don't have to leave.
Really, just calm down.
What are you doing for work these days, anyway?
So you just party all day at home, is that it?
Well, why don't you find some work to do, and then maybe you can come by and you and Ben and all of us can start having some fun again, okay?
The party's gonna be here one way or another.
Okay. Goodnight, Jonathan.
Don't worry about Ben. I'll let him sleep it off here.
posted by Greg Purcell @ 11:22 AM,
